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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26757391">growth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawritsamehh/pseuds/Rawritsamehh'>Rawritsamehh</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Image, I mean at this point it’s becoming my brand, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:02:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26757391</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawritsamehh/pseuds/Rawritsamehh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan gets lost in thought while he prepares for a date.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Im-PROMPT-u Phandom Creator Challenge 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>growth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan lets his eyes travel across his chest and down to his stomach. He doesn't know when exactly he stopped dreading looking into the mirror; weeks ago, possibly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>———</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The physical and mental turmoil of medication was worse than he’d expected. Even once they found the right dosage for him, the changes in his body remained. Changes he tried so very hard to ignore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When others started to notice the differences, he didn’t take it well. He saw the comments, he had friends and family make jokes about how he’s finally “filling out”. It felt alien, it felt wrong. It didn’t feel like his body anymore. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The medication was truly helping, though, so he powered through. He continued his therapy sessions.  He began yoga and worked on improving his eating habits and sleep patterns. He and Phil went on more walks together, and tried to do more outside of their flat. Despite his branding, he even tried to cut back on his self-deprecating humor. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Step by agonizing step, Dan’s mental health did improve. He saw the difference in his journal entries and in the way he spoke. His dreams even changed for the better, mostly. Overall he felt….better. Lighter, even. After some time, he was able to successfully wean himself off of his medication, which was a personal goal. A goal he was incredibly proud of. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His body still felt foreign, though. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>———</p>
<p> </p>
<p> They decided to hire a personal trainer sometime in the early planning stages of their tour. They remembered how physically demanding and exhausting the first tour was, so they wanted to be prepared and in better shape this time around. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It began with the basics; a bit of squats and lunges, some planks and sit ups, and then the running. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>What Dan thought he’d hate the most, he actually ended up enjoying in a strange, almost masochistic way. He didn’t enjoy it in the moment– not like others told him he would– but he loved how he felt afterwards. He loved how it helped clear his mind and how strong it made him feel. He loved the pain and soreness in his muscles, a constant physical reminder that he was doing something. That he was improving. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>———</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’re several months into training now, and the tour is looming right around the corner. Dan looks at himself in the mirror again, and smiles. He isn’t totally happy with his appearance (who is, anyway?) but he realizes that for the first time in a very long time...he feels alright. He feels confident. He tries to think back to when the shift happened, but he can’t pinpoint it. Slowly he had just begun wearing things that showed off his body a bit more, holding his head up higher in photos and smiling a bit brighter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Logically he knows there isn’t a huge physical difference in how he looks to others. He’s accepted that he’s no longer a lanky teen, and that he’s grown into his adult body. There’s still things he wishes he could change– his lack of even the faintest bit of chest hair, the stretch marks on his hips and thighs, for example– but he’s okay with that for now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Loving and accepting his body has always been a difficult concept to Dan, but for once in his life he’s finally starting to feel truly content and confident with it. He looks at himself and he sees strength, and happiness. He sees a body that has fought for years to get where it is. He feels sexier when Phil looks at him. Photos don’t even make him as nervous and self conscious as they used to. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He takes a deep breath as he reaches for that shirt he’s had for ages but never worn, smiling as he slides his arms through the lacy sleeves. Blush colors his face when he looks at his reflection; he looks good, and he really can’t wait to see Phil’s reaction. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s been a long time since he’s been this excited for a date night.  </p>
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